Open Marriage: How It Works, 27 Rules, Benefits & Steps to Try It Right

Open marriages aren’t for the weak. Find out the advantages and disadvantages to know if it’s for you, and learn these open marriage rules to do it right.

In general, relationships are difficult. Communication between two partners is often difficult, so opening it up to more people seems like a nightmare! Open marriages definitely aren’t impossible, but they do require some more effort. And knowing the most important open marriage rules create the kind of healthy boundaries you need to make your relationship last.

What is an open marriage?

For most people, a marriage is a sacred union between two people, and there are no outsiders allowed. Intimate connections are to happen only between the two of them. [Read: Marital traditions – their not-so-sweet origins & our modern choices]

Open marriages don’t abide by such exclusivity.

An open marriage is still a sacred, legal, and spiritual union between two people, but they invite one or more others into their relationship in whatever way works for them.

Usually, the outside relationships that occur in open marriages are limited to sexual relationships. No intimate or romantic bonds are formed beyond the primary relationship between the spouses, but they explore their sexuality outside of each other.

But there isn’t only one way to have an open marriage. It’s different for every couple, and it’s up to you and your partner to decide what your open marriage rules look like.

How do I bring up the idea of an open marriage to my partner?

If you’re interested in opening up your marriage, you’re obviously going to have to have a deep discussion with your partner first. [Read: Communication exercises for couples – easy games to be a better lover]

Before you even consider doing that, you should think about why you want an open marriage in the first place. Think about all the reasons why you believe it’s a good idea.

How would it benefit you? How would it benefit your partner? Do you see it being a good thing for your relationship because there seems to be something that one of you isn’t getting from the other?

Figure out what you want from an open marriage and why you want it. [Read: Throuple relationship – 27 rules and secrets to a happy romantic three way]

When you’ve carved that out, plan a time to really sit down and talk about it. Don’t bring it up while having dinner at a restaurant just because the hot waitstaff triggered your libido.

Have the conversation at home when you have ample time to discuss it fully.

Let them know that you love them and your relationship, but you’d like to know how they feel about potentially exploring relationships with others while still keeping yours at the core.

Make sure you give them enough time to react in whichever way they need to before you dive into your monologue. [Read: How to talk about your feelings in a relationship & grow closer]

This isn’t an idea that occurs to everyone, so let them freak out if necessary.

Let them know that you have NOT acted on this idea. It’s just something you want to put on the table. Reassure them that you aren’t having these thoughts due to a shortcoming of theirs, and explain why you believe it would be beneficial. Let them express their thoughts and ask questions, and take it from there.

What if my partner and I disagree on opening up our marriage?

You’ve brought the idea to the table. You’ve had a conversation about it. They’ve shut it down.

Now, you have to decide what’s right for you.

Will you be happy in this monogamous relationship? Was this just something you wanted to do to scratch an itch, or do you really feel that you have needs that aren’t being met?

If you have genuine concerns about continuing the relationship as is, you need to have a different conversation. Talk to your partner about what you think you’re missing.

Open communication can squander a lot of woes if given a chance. [Read: 19 reasons we’re afraid to open up & how to overcome it]

However, if the idea of an open marriage isn’t nearly as important to you as your spouse, you’re just going to have to move on.

You can’t force your partner to be in an open marriage if it isn’t what they want, and you can’t sneak around behind their back and do it anyway. That’s called infidelity.

[Read: Open relationship – 38 rules, questions and advice to discuss it as a couple for the first time]

How can I know if an open marriage would work for me?

First of all, you need to define your motivation.

As long as your reasoning isn’t that you cheated and now it’s their turn or that this will mend your broken relationship, you can move on to further consideration.

Know why you want an open marriage. Are you in a marriage with mixed sexual orientations? Do you have different fetishes or sex drives? Is one of you just missing something? [Read: Top 20 sexual taboos & sex topics most of us love but never talk about!]

Are you prepared for the most open communication anyone has ever had? Do you and your spouse have complete and unwavering trust in one another? That’s what an open marriage entails.

Are you capable of abiding by any open marriage rules that you create and agree upon? An open marriage won’t work for you if you’re not willing to work for it.

Open marriage rules for lasting love

In the grand scheme of things, there aren’t really right or wrong ways to have an open marriage. The only things you could do that are downright wrong in an open marriage are to jump in without setting a single boundary or to break the open marriage rules that you and your partner create.

Rules exist for a reason. [Read: Healthy relationship boundaries – how to talk about them & set them]

Open marriage rules are guidelines that you and your partner establish so that you’re aware of each other’s boundaries. These rules help you both feel protected and secure in your relationship.

The structure of an open marriage looks different for every couple, so the rules that work for you might not work for someone else. There are, however, some general blanket rules that work for most open marriages.

1. You and your spouse define your open marriage

There is no finite definition of an open marriage.

Of course, it’s known to involve other people and sex outside of the marriage, but you define what happens within that relationship. Decide what’s off-limits and what’s fair game. Define your boundaries.[Read: Questions to ask to find out if you’re ready for an open relationship]

2. Take advantage of technology

If you agree to an open marriage, you should get with the times. Technology is here, and it’s not going anywhere.

Use dating and hookup apps such as Tinder, OkCupid, or Bumble. Apps are a great way to find a partner if you’re not interested in awkwardly standing at the bar while winking at the cute women or men who pass by. [Read: The best hookup apps for the hot and horny]

3. Open marriages aren’t for everyone

Some people do very well in open marriages. Other people can’t handle it.

Being unable to cope with it doesn’t mean that you’re weak. It just means that it’s not for you. That’s it. Don’t try to force yourself to participate in and enjoy an open marriage.

4. Express your feelings to your partner

When you have the conversation about open marriages, tell your partner how you feel about it. If they suggest it and you feel nervous about opposing it, say it.

If you agree to it, but there are certain marriage rules you want to throw in or questions you need answers to, let your partner know.

Being able to effectively communicate your thoughts and feelings is the only way to make this work.

5. Be honest

If you really want this to succeed, you need to be 100% honest.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to divulge every detail of every date you go on, but you do need to be honest about everything else. You need to tell them when something isn’t feeling right for you or if you start to develop feelings for someone else. [Read: Everything you need to know about an open relationship]

6. Be prepared for the relationship to evolve

You don’t know what your relationship is going to look like, but you do know that it’s going to change. Be prepared to allow and accept the changes that happen.

Practice open communication with your partner and acknowledge the changes as they come.

7. Are you doing this for the right reasons?

Do not get into an open marriage if you’re only doing this to try and fix your current marriage. Open marriages only work when you’re in a solid, healthy relationship. If you and your spouse are already in turmoil, this will likely only push you further over the edge.

Think about why you want to do this and whether or not you can continue to prioritize your relationship with your spouse. [Read: How to accept your differences for relationship success]

8. Make some rules

No one likes rules, but they’re there for a reason.

You want your marriage to last, so you’re going to need to create some open marriage rules. They don’t have to be huge, but they set the foundation and boundaries for your open marriage.

For example, will you sleep with people together or separately? What kind of communication do you both need regarding each relationship? Does gender matter? Are one-time hookups preferred, or can you have a long-term sexual relationship?

9. Stay healthy

You need to make sure you practice safe sex with the other people you sleep with.

Always wear a condom when you have sex with someone else. Decide whether or not you feel more comfortable using condoms with your spouse while you’re having relationships with others.

Condom or not, be sure to get tested on a regular basis. [Read: Surviving an STD scare in a relationship]

10. Be open and honest with your other partners

Not only do you have to know how to communicate openly and honestly with your spouse, but you also have to extend the same courtesy to your other partners.

Especially if you intend to keep a regular sexual partner, it’s important to let them know your arrangement. Keeping everything out in the open and managing expectations goes a long way in open marriages.

11. Keep mutual friends out of the bedroom

You might want to sleep with your spouse’s best friend, but it isn’t going to end well.

Keep all mutual friendships out of the bedroom. Engaging in relationships with people that you know is going to bring a set of issues that might not exist if you keep it outside of your circle.

12. Don’t cheat

You might have agreed to an open marriage, but it’s not a free-for-all. Whatever open marriage rules you settled on need to be strictly followed.

Whether you decide to only sleep with a third person together or you agree to let each other sleep with other people separately, stick to it. Don’t go behind their back and sleep with other people without telling them. That’s cheating. [Read: How to forgive yourself for cheating and move on]

13. Spend quality time with each other

Just because you have an open marriage doesn’t mean you treat your marriage differently. Your relationship with your spouse is the primary relationship and needs to be treated as such.

You still need to go on date nights, watch movies together, and have intimate connections. Your marriage shouldn’t change just because you and your partner sleep with other people.

14. Try couples counseling

This is a great way to make sure you’re both on the same page.

If you and your partner aren’t sure how to proceed with an open marriage, seeing a counselor helps you communicate your feelings and expectations.

You want to make sure you avoid any problems, and a counselor can help you and your spouse reach a point of comfort and understanding that you might not be able to get to on your own. [Read: Signs you need relationship counseling]

15. This doesn’t have to be permanent

Some people are scared about open marriages because they feel that they’re stuck in it the moment they decide to agree to it.

Even though you have an open marriage now, it doesn’t mean it has to be like this forever. Remember that you and your partner define your marriage.

16. Talk out your fears

Lay everything out on the table. Let your spouse know what your worries and woes are, and make sure that you know theirs.

Lay down boundaries for each other. Make a point to give your spouse continuous reassurance, love, and support so that their fears don’t overtake them.

17. Face jealousy head on

It doesn’t matter how healthy and secure your relationship is. Open marriages can bring on a slew of insecurities and possessive feelings that you didn’t even know were there.

Addressing these feelings as soon as they pop up can be a savior, so don’t sit with your jealousy and let it fester. [Read: Jealousy in a relationship – how to accept it, deal with it, & overcome It in love]

18. Agree on how you’ll explain your situation to outsiders

You and your spouse have to decide how open you intend to be about your open marriage.

If you decide to meet and date others in public settings, for instance, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll be seen by a mutual friend with someone who isn’t your spouse. If they don’t understand the circumstances, it might make for a pretty awkward conversation.

Spend some time deciding if you plan to address your open marriage with others and how you’ll do it.

19. Know that you’ll both make mistakes

Especially in the beginning, give yourselves some grace. This is new for both of you, and someone is bound to make a mistake. [Read: How to stop making the same mistakes in a relationship and learn]

The most important thing is being open and honest with one another.

20. Have regular check-ins

Given that effective communication is at the heart of an open marriage, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that you need to intentionally check in with each other.

Until you get the hang of it, you might even want to schedule weekly or bi-weekly check-ins just to see where you both stand.

21. Show respect

As mentioned, your spouse is your main and most important partner. But they aren’t your only partner, and they aren’t the only one who deserves your respect.

You have to be able to balance respecting the needs and feelings of every party involved.

If you and your spouse agreed on skipping emotional connections with others, but your extra-marital partner has developed feelings for you, you have to respect your spouse enough to let them know what’s happened and respect your partner enough not to string them along. [Read: 21 ways to friendzone someone without hurting them or leading them on]

What are the benefits of an open marriage?

For some, it’s strange to consider that anything outside of their traditional marriage could be healthy and beneficial. We’re generally taught that you get married, stay married, and don’t seek any satisfaction outside of that marriage.

But open marriages, while occasionally tricky to navigate, are full of benefits when done right.

1. Higher levels of satisfaction in the relationship

Research has shown that couples in an open marriage report higher levels of satisfaction in their marriage. Because of how openly they’re able to communicate, they have complete trust, decreased jealousy, and more sexual freedom. [Read: Signs of a good relationship that define a happy one]

2. Stronger communication skills

Not only is intense communication one of the necessities for a successful open marriage, but it’s also one of the biggest benefits.

Having to be so open and honest only forces you to be open and honest in more effective ways. As time goes on and you learn to navigate your open marriage in a way that works for you and your spouse, your communication evolves.

3. A deeper sense of trust

It’s weird to think that a relationship that sends your spouse out to sleep with other people could make you trust them more, but it does. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship & be loyal and loving]

This is another great side effect of your communication skills and check-ins with each other. Constant and persistent honesty truly diminishes any questions or doubts that you might have about your spouse and their integrity in the relationship.

4. An added level of love and appreciation

It’s easy to believe that an open marriage must lack a certain amount of love. After all, if you loved each other, wouldn’t the two of you be enough?

What some people don’t get is that open marriages have the same love that any other good marriage has, but they also have an increased sense of gratitude. Especially if your partner has opened the marriage for you and your sexual needs, you might feel a deep appreciation for their selflessness.

5. Space to miss your partner

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? [Read: 15 ways to give space in a relationship & feel closer than ever before]

Having space is important in a relationship! Even if the space is for small segments of time, being able to miss your partner and becoming excited for them to come home can do a lot for a marriage.

6. Less sexual pressure

For many, sexual pressure is the reason for opening up the marriage in the first place, so it’s no surprise that one might feel less sexual pressure.

You no longer have to focus so intensely on making sure that your and your partner’s sexual needs are met with each other. You can focus on just enjoying the sexual connection with your spouse without expectation.

What are the disadvantages of an open marriage?

An open marriage can be an emotional whirlwind. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, especially in the beginning. It can be hard to navigate, and a lot of mistakes can be made while learning how to do it properly. [Read: 30 vital answers that help you understand what makes a good relationship]

The potential for jealousy and insecurities is exponential, and the tension it causes is thick if you aren’t careful with what you do and how you communicate.

In addition to the emotional drawbacks, the possibility of an STD or unplanned pregnancy is far greater. Condoms and birth control can only go so far, and accidents happen all the time. It doesn’t matter how safe you think you are. Sometimes it’s just not safe enough.

Another disadvantage of open marriages is public perception. More often than not, people don’t understand this type of relationship.

There are plenty of people who will take it upon themselves to pass unfair judgment and decide to be prejudiced against you and your spouse. This may not matter to you, but it might have a negative effect on your spouse. [Read: Lessons to deal with judgmental people]

An open marriage is only as strong as its foundation. If you and your spouse have complete trust and open communication, you can reap the benefits! Follow these open marriage rules for ultimate success.